Leading a level one sole survivor role in life involves heavy writing to eliminate negative thoughts, intoxicating your being, to say the least. It wasn’t possible until this very moment to even envision being adaptable or comfortable with the idea of becoming a vagabond in an entirely new place that I am visiting for the first time in this lifetime. Besides the fact that it is a life-changing experience, it is also nerve-freezing, where things can easily go wrong, just like they previously did.
Extracting oneself from your reality is sometimes the only way to find a rhythm, to heal. Nevertheless, how likely we happened to find the courage, energy, or the capacity to do so. One of the things that stayed with me earlier today while listening to one of the Lex Fridman podcasts was that; either in pride or embarrassment, someone said that one finds the power for a profound change. Up until experiencing a devastating or traumatizing event, my own voice has never been enough not only for courage or change but even to convince myself to get out of bed. Evolving through pain, enlightenment through suffering.
Now I take it easy, daily reminding myself of points of gratification, that it isn’t all about the destination but the journey. Keeping myself busy with reading, writing, and physical workouts helps me keep my mind from comparing and resentment, activities that I always envied and couldn’t apply to myself all my life up to this point, which now have become fundamentals of my being. There is no rational explanation for any of these events, only mystical. Every time I stepped, or better to say drifted, further into this direction, I started feeling better and being more in control by being emotionless. My mind spontaneously keeps reminding myself of one quote during the last years of my life, which became my motto that I held onto, a compass that pointed me in the right direction during my revelations:
“You are afraid, afraid of your dreams, your dreams which were once your friends, your best friends, are now your enemies, your worst enemies.”
– David Peace, The Damned United.
